How to Stress Better: Shaping a Healthy Stress Mindset with your Child
You don't have to look further than getting out the door most mornings, or navigating the homework/dinner juggle to experience the stress response first-hand. Stress is an experience that we face often, yet the messaging around the topic is extreme. Stress is killing us, stress is having significant detrimental effects on our health, stress is dangerous. However, as the science on the topic evolves and research continues to expand our understanding, we now know that this is only part of the picture. When it comes to teaching children about stress, it is essential that we shape a different story. As research has found, what we believe about stress can be the difference between whether it hurts us or helps us.
When it comes to stress, most of the information our children hear about is the need to avoid it, get rid of it, or learn how to "calm down". Not only is this advice unhelpful, it can leave them feeling even more distressed about their lack of control over their bodies. This leaves so many of our children feeling like they are not coping, that they are failing and that they should immediately stop doing whatever is producing these uncomfortable feelings. For our children to regain control, they must understand why their bodies are responding in this way. Just like the healing of skin and bone and the building of our immune system, the body’s stress response is an in-built system to not only help us, but to heal us, and make us stronger.
Did you know that we actually have many different stress responses, all causing our body to respond in unique ways?
Some common stress responses...
The Fight or Flight/Threat Response
The Challenge Response
The Tend-and-Befriend Response
The Excite-and-Delight Response
The one thing that separates which stress response our child's body shifts into, is their mind. Their appraisal of a situation determines whether they see something as a threat, as a challenge, as a time to get support or a time to embrace excitement and it all lies in perception. The cognitive interpretation of the stressor they are experiencing directly impacts how their physiology shifts to prepare to protect their bodies.
When they start to experience a racing heart, butterflies in their stomach, a change in their breathing, sweaty palms or a rush of adrenaline, what story do they tell themselves? Do they see it as danger? Do they call it anxiety? Do they see it is as a sign that they are doing something that they shouldn’t? Do they think they can't cope? This is where we need to support our children in changing their minds about stress. These signals from their bodies aren't a sign that they're not coping, in fact, they are fuelling them with what they need to be able to cope. To get better at stress, we need to teach our children to embrace and trust what is happening in their bodies, not fear it.
The Fight/Flight (Threat) Response
This response is activated when our mind decides that we are in a state of threat and our body interprets that our survival is on the line. Our body responds with an immediate burst of energy to either run or fight. Because our body is anticipating physical harm, our blood vessels constrict to slow blood flow and our body increases inflammation to heal quickly. This increased inflammation and blood pressure will help when physical harm is imminent. However, it can have major health effects if everyday stressors are causing our body to regularly shift into this state. This is where your child's mind can change their lives. Instead of viewing stressful experiences as threatening, they can view them as challenges and this completely changes the way their physiology responds.
The Challenge Response
The challenge response also mobilises energy and prepares us for action, however, there is a physiological shift that makes all the difference. During the challenge response, our body isn’t anticipating harm. We still feel high levels of stress and anxiety, however, our body feels safe and our blood vessels remain relaxed. This relaxed state allows our body to maximise blood flow giving us additional energy. This is the body's response when we look a challenge in the eye and say, “Come at me.” It is this response that we see in peak performers in action. They are not necessarily calm, they are utilising what their body is fuelling them with to help them perform. In this state our bodies feel stressed but we also experience excitement, increased energy, enthusiasm and confidence. To support your children to choose a challenge response, have them practise telling themselves, "my body is giving me the energy I need to rise to this challenge. Focus, I can do this."
The Tend-and-Befriend Response
The tend-and-befriend response is a powerful stress response that many of us have little awareness of but use often. This stress response motivates us to connect. It makes us want to support and protect those that we care about and it actually increases our levels of courage to support us in doing so. Think of the fires and floods that have ravaged our east-coast and the stories that surfaced of communities coming together to help and support each other. During stressful events, high levels of oxytocin are released. This creates cravings for social contact, making us want to connect with others. It also increases our tendency to trust and be more courageous. Oxytocin dampens the fear response in our brain, actually making us braver. Oxytocin also supports our heart cells to regenerate and repair from micro damage. Not only does a healthy stress response not hurt your heart, when it includes oxytocin, it literally strengthens your heart.
The Excite-and-Delight Response
It just so happens that the sensations our bodies experience during stress are very similar to excitement. The stress response gives us a motivational boost from a mix of endorphins, adrenaline, testosterone and dopamine – resulting in a natural high. This is why some people enjoy stress. Together, these chemicals increase our sense of confidence and power. This response can be found in extreme sports competitors, people falling in love, rushing to meet a deadline or watching a close game (no better example than the Matildas vs. France shootout!). Your body is in a state of stress, but it feels amazing. Support your child to check in with the stress they are feeling. Could this stress actually be excitement?
Moving stress
Sometimes your child won’t be able to shift their mindset to rise to the challenge in front of them or we won’t have access to connecting with others. When their body is flooding with stress hormones preparing them to act, but they feel overwhelmed, the best thing we can teach them is to move their bodies. They need to use the energy their body has generated. This can occur through running, star jumps, boxing, dancing, moving their head to music, yoga or shaking their whole body - whatever movement feels intuitive to them at that time.
As we work on intentionally building wellbeing, my hope is that you can support your children to see their response to stress in a new way. Even if they feel pushed in one direction, remind them that their mind is in the driver’s seat. They can focus on what they want and can use what is happening inside their body to help them.
The majority of the research I have shared in this article comes from the work of Stanford University health psychologist Kelly McGonigal. If you would like to find out more about this topic, I highly recommend her TED Talk, "How to make stress your friend", and her book, "The Upside of Stress".
